


CARBONATED ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE

by Baron_von_Bullsheisse



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Anthropology, Drunkenness, Gen, Iruma Miu Being Iruma Miu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-16 22:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15447045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baron_von_Bullsheisse/pseuds/Baron_von_Bullsheisse
Summary: Rantarou attends a party at the local dive, but the music sucks and his friends get trashed without him.





	CARBONATED ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE

**Author's Note:**

> i heard there was something about a ship between these two but instead this is what i write
> 
> happy early birthday kork, your present isn't even a birthday fic

“Hey, order up! Who wanted the cherry-lime martini?”

“Nyeh, that’s me.”

“What pretentious motherfucker had an umbrella in their whiskey?!”

Maki smirked, reaching up. “You can live because you’re carrying the drinks.”

“Uh-huh. Aight, I know what pair of virgins asked for Sapporo and a Panta.”

“Hey, like drinking gin straight makes you any better.”

“It does! And now- _holy shit who the fuck ordered Fosters_.”

“Ah...I did.”

 

Going to the bar wasn’t something Rantarou did a lot, but there were times when, he thought, life improved considerably with alcohol. Whether sitting around a campfire telling stories, or in a sleazy club playing 1980’s hits through tinny speakers, it was a good time.

And today was an especially good day for drinking. No special event, just that Kaede and Kaito managed to gather way more people than any time before. Most of their classmates from Hope’s Peak accepted the invite with the exception of Gonta, who hated the taste of alcohol, and Kiibo, who...couldn’t drink at all.

Being a robot was tough.

Although, Angie still hadn’t shown up yet. Neither had Shuuichi.

The music wasn’t playing too loudly, so Rantarou was just able to make out the voices around him.

 

“What’s up, Miss Designated Driver? Fuckin’ sucks, huh?”

“Not at all. This simple mix of milk and honey will do for today.” Poor Kirumi. She had willingly given up her night to drive drunk idiots back home. Which could include the adventurer himself, if he decided that the hangover was worth it...

“Milk and honey, huh? Lemmie just...”

“Iruma.”

“Holy shit! Oh my god. That’s like...like learning to use a vibrator for the first time. Wow.”

“...Well, that’s good.”

 

“Hic...waaaah! Mugi-chan...” Kokichi sniffled, and it was actually hard to tell if he was faking or not. “Where...where is my Shuu-chan?!”

“Um, I don’t know. Have you texted him?”

“Noooo! He’s my boyfriend! He should just...know to be here! We have a special connection. We’re bound by like...destiny and mental stuff.” He loudly gulped down his grape beer and slammed it on the counter. “OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT WE WERE!”

Tsumugi hummed in thought. “What if I cosplayed as him?”

“But but but you have boobs... I don’t... I don’t want a Shuu-chan with tits. Shuu-chan is perfect. You can’t cosplay as real people anyway!”

“W-well, only at events. But I am the Ultimate Cosplayer, so if you want, I can replicate him perfectly!”

 

Rantarou himself had chosen to sit alone so he could get a little buzzed before having to socialise, and with help from the schnapps he’d ordered, it would happen soon. Not that he hated people, but today had been one of those days where all the little things went wrong. So, he would indulge and hopefully not feel it in the morning.

“Oi, Rantarou! Help me out, you gotta- fuck, _ow_. Dude, cut that out.”

Ah, he couldn’t catch a break. Of course.

Kaito’s table was in a bit of a mess. Maki and the astronaut had each cleared a dozen mugs in two hours. And that was after the large whiskey shot the brunette had. All of that was normal. What wasn’t normal was the stickbug-like being currently wrapped the man’s arm.

“...And it’s incredible how, even in a time of crisis, they were still willing to accommodate myself and Miss Orlov. They had lost nearly half their population,yet...”

“Oh my fucking god, Rantarou.” Kaito winced as, like some kind of lanky, black-haired cat, Korekiyo rubbed their face over his shoulder. “Listen, this really...”

“This idiot can’t hold their alcohol,” Maki interrupted. “They said they’d just watch us while we drink each other under the table, but then...” She sighed, taking another sip.

Kaito shifted, unable to shake his parasite. “I asked if they wanted to drink with us. Kinda regretting it.”

“Dumbass.”

“I-I didn’t know!”

And Korekiyo kept talking, oblivious to the whole discussion. “...We had no idea what this herb looked like, so it took some time for us to find it. Unfortunately, Miss Orlov discovered that it was the favourite food of a local bird, which is infamously territorial and referred to in some tales as a vengeful spirit...”

Maki and Kaito stared at Rantarou. “Dude. I can’t feel my arm.”

“Er...why can’t you two-”

“The poor space baby is too busy whining to actually solve the problem.” She glanced down, with a softer look. “Anyway... it’s better if Shinguuji tells their stories to someone who likes that stuff.”

“Aw, Maki Roll’s just saying they might get lonely!”

The brunette stared deadpan at her best friend.

“That’s what you were saying, right?”

“...I guess so.”

So Rantarou got to work prying the drunk storyteller off Kaito. They took no notice of this and didn’t miss a beat in their tale about villagers dying of a disease. When he’d removed Korekiyo from the man’s arm, they stood up, swaying.

“How much did they drink?”

“...That much.” Maki pointed at two tall cans of cheap, trashy beer.

Korekiyo trailed off from _whatever_ they were talking about nodded. “Two...alcohols. It wasn’t much. I feel fine.”

“Two whole alcohols, huh,” Rantarou said, holding back a chuckle.

“Yesss.”

 

Kirumi looked up. Her eyes darted between the adventurer and the anthropologist, crease forming in her brow. “Is something the matter?”

_Not much, just holding up this string bean so they don’t trip over and die or whatever._

What he actually said was kinder. “Haha, well...Korekiyo’s already sloshed, and I’m not really feeling up to a party tonight. I figured my house is nearby, so we’ll crash early.”

Miu, head down on the table, made a noise that might’ve been agreement. “Guuj got fucked up early too, huh... Ugh...take it from me, ya gotta pace or you’ll look like...a virgin.”

“Very wise,” Kirumi responded politely (as in, she didn’t really care). “I parked right next to the building, so-”

Rantarou shook his head. “It’s really close, honest.”

“I am the designated driver here. The DD, if you will.”

“That...that ain’t your cup size...hah.” Miu picked herself up just enough to steal the maid’s drink. “Take me away to the land of milk and honey...”

“Ahhh, Israel, yes. They say that the concept of monotheism originated from there, as the Hebrews...”

“Actually, you’re right. Kirumi, please, take us home.”

 

There was one problem with Gonta not drinking. In the entire world, he was the only man large and strong enough to restrain all his classmates when they got wild. When Kiibo installed a video game AI and thought he was a dragon, Gonta carried him back to the lab. If Tenko got too immersed in an action movie and tried recreating it, Gonta was there. Gonta would escort your grandmother across the street and bring you milk for your cereal. He was a hero.

But he wasn’t here, which meant there was nobody to help Rantarou and Kirumi force this gangly drunk noodle into the car.

Okay, so getting them in the vehicle wasn’t the issue, but they seemed very intent on sitting in the driver’s seat, despite not knowing how to drive, while quoting something about King Henry VIII.

Kirumi, hair frazzled, gritted her teeth and somehow spoke calmly. “You need to stay in the back.”

Calm might not have been the right word. There was a kind of seething undertone to her voice that was worse than yelling. He wasn’t even the target and Rantarou subconsciously straightened up in his seat.

She was _disappointed_.

And you did not disobey a disappointed maid.

“Oh, okay.” Well, even Miu would’ve backed down from that, so of course Korekiyo wouldn’t put up a fight. “Would you like to hear a song about one of the wives who was executed? I know at least three dozen such songs, so-”

Kirumi put the car in reverse and stamped on the pedal.

 

“Are you sure you’ll manage like that?”

There wasn’t any way to convince Korekiyo to leave the car without giving them a piggyback ride. It was super awkward carting around someone taller than yourself, especially when you were also buzzed.

“Um, it should be okay? Yeah, yeah, it’ll be good. I promise.”

The maid looked at him in disbelief, but didn’t press the subject. “If you’re sure, then I’ll see you tomorrow. Or at least text. I worry about you all.”

“Haha, I know. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sleep tight.”

She drove off as he turned and climbed the stairs to his apartment. It was a small place, a cheap place where he could rest after his wanderings. It was easier to keep his travel equipment here, out of the reach of his youngest siblings. And quieter.

His passenger had their arms over his shoulders, muttering to themself. Or it should’ve been muttering, but their mouth was by his ear, so now there was a very detailed account of Egyptian mythology happening, but only on the left side.

“Hey, Korekiyo. Did you want to drive that much?”

A pause. “What do you mean?”

Some people talked about whispering sweet nothings into your lover’s ear. All it did for Rantarou was make him _really_ uncomfortable.

“You kept trying to get in front of the wheel.”

“Kirumi is nice, and she drove us here safely. What a nice human being.”

“So...you wanted to be closer to her?”

“Yeeess?”

Ugh, that was weird as hell. Korekiyo left their allergy mask back at the club and the air from making a “ss” sound went right against his eardrum. Uuugghh.

At the door, Rantarou readjusted his arms, which had to hold up his friend’s legs. “Hoi, if you could like, open this thing, that’d be cool.”

They reached out and were just barely could turn the doorknob. Yes, Rantarou kept everything unlocked. “Kaito is a nice human being too. Maki is not so kind but very reliable. Together, they...”

The _click_ of the light switch. “What do they do?”

“They are two human beings.”

“Excellent deduction, friend.”

The apartment was pretty tiny, which was fine for someone who was barely there, but less so for a couple of inebriated idiots. There was a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom, and that was just about it. As the adventurer mused exactly where he was going to drop Korekiyo, their arms moved to an embrace around his neck.

“Rantarou, Rantarou...”

They were trembling.

“What’s up?”

“I didn’t tell you.”

Was he going to have to deal with crying? Because Rantarou had only seen the folklorist cry once, and he’d royally screwed that up. And he wasn’t in the best state of mind to be sweet and understanding.

“...What didn’t you tell me?”

“The ending. How Horus defeated Set in that competition.”

“Oh. Uh.” Nothing all that serious! He hadn’t been paying any attention to the story at all, though. “Well, you can tell me now.”

“Okay...so....” They attempted to get even closer to the adventurer’s ear, their lips just touching behind his jaw. This was weird, this was awkward, this was not a position he liked at all. And their breath reeked of gross cheap beer. No way it was just two cans.

Then, slowly and carefully, Korekiyo whispered, “Isis took some of Horus’ semen, put it upon a leaf of lettuce, and tricked Set into eating it.”

...

Wha...

“You’re fucking with me.”

“I’m not joking! It isn’t a joke!” And then Rantarou realised that the trembling earlier had been laughter as Korekiyo Shinguuji, of all people, broke into a fit of high-pitched giggles.

Not even “kukuku”. Actual, schoolgirl-style giggling.

Before he even knew what he was doing, Rantarou was laughing too.

“Korekiyo... Guuj... Are all myths just one big dick joke?”

“Ab. So. Lutely.”

“Pfft. God dammit.” An idea struck him. “Hey, you said Kirumi and Kaito and Maki were good humans.”

“I did.”

Finally, he settled on just letting his friend sit on the kitchen countertop. “So, I am a good human?”

“Mm, you’re much better. Maybe my favourite human.” They grinned softly, or tried to, still on the brink of laughter.

“Oh. Wow. Thank you.”

He’d hoped to drink the night away until he couldn’t remember his name.

“But you know, Rantarou, there’s no greater dick joke than Greek mythology...”

This was nice too, he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> me: i'm writing the bit where amami has to carry a drunk stick bug to his house and the way i wrote it makes it sound like the poor man's getting egyptian mythology ASMR, but just in one ear  
> daifuku: JJJHDFUUHH amami u lucky man  
> me: is that your dream  
> me: korekiyo history ASMR  
> daifuku: I mean  
> daifuku: I'd be down  
> me: [Japanese ASMR] Korekiyo Whispers Lovingly Into Your Ear About the Black Plague


End file.
